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VIncent Tomkins 3/9/73 to 4/5/08

On Sunday I woke up,came downstairs made some tea,some toast,went back up to my room,ate and drank,sat in bed reading,after having showered,Micheal another resident knocked on my door later telling me Sunday dinner was ready,i came down ate,chatted to Tania for a bit,then she sat down and watched Telly,Michael came back down and said to her silently"Tania I don't want to be alarmist,but Vinny,is laying on his floor!"(Micheal could see from his room,into Vinny's by craning his neck to look down into his smaller side window),Tania went back upstairs and let her self into Vinny's room using her masterkey,she came back down stairs and asked me to call an ambulance(Tanias' Bolivian and her English though good isn't that good(something she acknowledges)),I went into the office down in the basement and called 999,spoke to a lady on the phone asking me if it was possibel to take the phone to Vinny and see how he was,I pointed out I was on landline,and got her to call back on the volunteers emergency phone,which she did,i then went upto Vinnys room,he was lying on the floor,silent still,the lady asked if he was breathing, i took of my glasses and put it in front of his mouth and nose as I couldn't find a mirror,nothing,she then asked if I could move him on his back,I touched his shoulder so as to do so,that told me what I thought,he was so cold and stiff,dead weight,I started to panic a little I confess and pleaded with the lady on the phone to get an ambulance there quick,along with the police..

Two ambulances arrived in short order,I flagged the first down,the two crew came in,up the stairs with all their gear,they had no use for it,the second one turned up,shortly before the first police car,Emma the manager of this house then arrived whilst we were all stood outside,shocked,Tania particularly so,she chatted to us for a bit,then went inside with the Police,they along with her stayed for a bit,took a few things from Vinnys room,waited around for the private ambulance to show,then left shortly after it did with Vinnys body..

I couldn't really think of a decent way to write this,so I thought I'd make it factual.

Only thing is when i think I watched them carry his body down the front steps,when only 24 hours earlier i had seen him walk up them,when I was talking to the ambulance lady and I gave her Vinnys date of birth,finding out he was younger than me,when I think Micheal had done beef,of which Vinny liked with mustard and plenty of gravy and whilst we had been helping ourselves to dinner he was lying on his floor in the room above..I didn't know him that well if at all,nonetheless you live in a place with someone for 5 months almost,it does effect you,it still hasn't really registered,I keep thinking his just gone away for a bit,as really you don't expect someone younger than yourself to die so suddenly and without warning,admittedly he wasn't feeling to well the day previously..still this just isn't the kind of thing you even think of happening..

Beyond the factual lies the actual.

This Sunday it's my turn to cook,back to some sense of normalcy,i think I'll do chicken,with parsnips,roast potatoes and sprouts,aslo stuffing and yorkshire puddings,along with my onion,mushroom and bacon gravy,makes me think about I wonder if Vinny ever thought that far ahead as to week-ends?,what to with your tommorow?...odd thing is,now I have.

So also I spare a thought for Vinny,as i have to walk by his old room,to get to mine...I only wish and pray that he left it in some peace,i really do..

 Vincent Tomkins rest well,ok?

Terence Bruce Balfour.

Alternate Yo(U)s...

Imagine an alternate universe,with an alternate you....what would be the one big thing that you know would make your life different for the better?

And alternately,the one big thing that would mean the total opposite?

Terry(alternately curious?)¬?xx
We have two volunteers at this house,Paul a big well spirited Swede,and Tania,this slightly crazy well intentioned Bolivian girl...

When I think about how it is that some people decide to volunteer their time for causes,to take time out of their lives for the sake of others,it tells me that humans can be beautiful,well intentioned,thoughtful and such like....


I see the news,read the news and hear the news,about that poor woman and her children  in Austria,Sophie Lancaster,the continueing deaths in distant warzones,both combatant and civillian alike,people abusing democracies,abusing bodies,breaking minds,crushing souls,the people who witness atrocity,who carry it out,and frankly the untrammeled greed that feeds a silent savagery..

And  i am left confused,bewildered,wondering wether humans are not really beautiful wether our 'real'state is to be savage unfeeling brutes,imoral,souless and corrupt..and the 'beauty'is nothing but a an ill fiting negligee over our scarred and vile bodies(metaphorically speaking,of course)..

Last night i sat in my room,reading abook and suddenly found myself crying,crying about the lady in Austria,about how someone should be made to suffer such...to wonder wetehr something of her still lives from when she was imprisoned,or wether 24 years of abuse and denial have killed any hopes for her...

A few weeks before,when I heard Robert Maltby (boyfreind of Sophie Lancaster)say about he thought that in life everyone had someone just for them,and now his is gone,I again sat weeping,feeling what it is like to feel so alone,and without hope..or reason.

When i was in the US and i found out about somethings going on back home,frustration grew out of anger for the fact there was nothing i could do,even if i was there or not..I'd sit in parks around where i was living at that time,and on a night cry .

someone recently showed concern for my well being,as from what they saw of the outside made them wonder what was going on inside...i confess i found it it an 'attack'of sorts,and let them know it...really in trying to hard,to make sense of things i know that i can't,what i am trying to say is that I write about'I' alot on here,perhaps more than is healthy for me(who knows?) as i finds it vey hard to really communicate with 'you',especially emotions,how i perceive things,why i think the way i do(politically)(not pyschologically),the things i like,the things i see,basicaly i find it hard to tell'you'anything at all,even my punctuation is bad(apparently!?)

'You'is everyone i do and have come across in my life thus far,family,freinds,aquaintences and foes..

All i can say,is 'I'is trying it's best to function well for 'you'irrespective of my continued misgivings of others,people who i can't rate..those who i can not approach,those i try to protect and for those that i have tried......

..........and yet,my thoughts are perhaps always consistent in how i think of those that do really matter to me..as hard as i can't show it,be aware i do,ok?

I am also aware of the fact that even though I have never met Robert Maltby,or even the lady and her children in Austria,feel for them i do.....

Terry B ¬?xx

Morality and genes..

There are those attend church to find the former,I just need be at my folks to find it,seems the latter will always be a stronger source of real values than any religious precepts,seems what I always find is my moral compass points truer when here with my family,it also tells me that values are learnt not taught...you leearn how to use a compass,you are not taught,teaching signifies perceptions,learning is knowing what is right,and knowing it is right without having to be told some more...much like someone preaching to you,when it comes to my current living arrangements,my landlords telling me things,well they are preaching to the converted.

There are those who suggest that being on a high horse,being high and mighty...how easily they confuse from their morally suspect at best,morally bankcrupt at worst position,someone not prepared to fall and not care like them,and you know why I wont?,my genes...I owe it to them,and those that gave me them,those that I share them with,shallowness breeds lack of true understanding,seeing the big picture makes me want to see more,and how can I?,by building trust and showing trust.

There are those who don't share my genes,they do share my thougts,they are in mine frequently,daily even..they'll always be true pointers on my compass and for that I am both proud and greatful.

So yes,my family buy me jeans(and other clothing items)from time to time,genes though?

Well,what do you think?

Terry Balfour.
Star and Andi,get your hive mind out of the gutter,really I am shocked verily and ashamed you should further filth in my august journal,you should both be thouroughly ashamed of yourselves...go wash your minds out with distilled water and sit in the corner...


Reply to Arrons emailer!

Boner,hardon,stiffy,morning glory,wood and tent pole....is this ok?

Around Cambridge,much like other cities there are a surfeit of public conveniences.

 Upon their doors,in keeping with the banning of smoking in public places are signs,pointing out it is illegal to smoke in them.

When you enter the cubicle(after fishing out 20 pence),you'll see directly in front of you,or just above the toilet a 'sharps'bin,for syringes,razor blades and safety pins now all of these are drugs ephemera.

So lets look at this:

Smoking legal,tax duty paid tobbaco in a public convenience = bad?

Injecting,illegal,tax costing heroin in a public convenience = good?

What would you think?

I 'fess up.......

..I am a closet fascist!,why?

Well I quite like it when the Daleks win,when the Cybermen do,same with the Decepticons,the Necromongers and I relly,really love it when the machines rise in the last Terminator film,I also sided with the Vampires in that Kate Beckinsale flick,Underworld....I also wanted the terrorists to win in 'XXX',Judge Death is totally cool,as is Deadlock..

I must be like really bad to the bone in a sub-concouis way...hehe!

So it got me thinking:

Which/what bad guys did/do you really gun for in films or on the telly?


 .....righty?!!! I am prolly going to take a bungee jump sans cord into the world of the Republikan party here uhmkays?

Over this side of the puddle,we Brits Europeans,Martians and exiled members of the 501st legion..

have all been hearing how Senator Mc Cain(AZ),hasn't embraced the right wing of the Republikant  party....well I am going to sound a bit,maybe quite dense here.."Surely because Shrub,embraced the right wing of the RepubliKants party,that may equate to his un-popularity/large lapses of brain misuse and all round duff decision making?"...and how that will not endear him to the august members of said GOP(See we do get news from there yer know!?)...Jeezerz making an eighties pop video...does anyone in that party realise that,it's fine to accidently shoot yourself,it's not if you both bought,loaded and pointed the pistol square at your head!

Well frankly speaking,I shouldn't really say or suggest anything that may or may not effect a soveriegn states ability to conduct it's own affairs...I mean it's not like American administrations have ever pulled that stunt on any other country in the world have they?

For the record,Bush doesn't equal America,much like Bliar never equalled the UK...so all yo Amerikans fall drunkenly of yo high horse and drag yer drunken ass over here,and chill the fuck out!(mind you I find turning the heat up,makes the fuck move out faster!)

And for the c-90 ferrous cassete tape, I always vote in local elections and general elections...

And for the DVD/CD I always vote Liberal Democrat...

And for the Blu-ray I'd be backing Hilary..A Clinton/Obama Dream ticket!

Oh do you yet have Obama-ramavision,like Barack lased delivered to your iris?,that'd be sooo cool!

Oh 'nother thing Barack Obama,slang for Iraq palava..

I'm oft to make sure it's Clegg for PM!..go Clegg,go Clegg,go!

(In another 2.5 years that is!)